The Five Difficult Questions Every Psychologist Asks

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The Five Difficult Questions Every Psychologist Asks

I once met a beautiful 37-year-old woman, divorces and childless.

The first thing I asked her was “What do you want? Why are you here?”

This is a question I repeat more than twenty times during each therapy session. It’s a difficult question! Often, my clients say things like: “I want my husband/sister/child/brother/parents to change.”

“I cannot help you with this,” I retort. “I am only working with you.” My patients spare a second to think. “I want…,” they hesitate, only to go on to describe the dreams of their parents. They describe desires that lack passion, energy, and love. Such desires don’t work; unconsciously noticing their superficiality, we simply disregard them.

Another answer my patients often give is “I don’t know what I want.” In these cases, I help them examine their dominant, controlling parents who killed their children’s desire to live and succeed.

This client, however, was very different. She knew what she wanted! She looked at my, her bright blue eyes piercing mine, and answered: “I want a prince! Rich, smart, sexual, monogamous, free, tall, and blue-eyed!”

That’s when I pose my second question. I ask: “What types of men do you attract now? What types of men do you stay in relationships with?”

This is significant. There are three types of men: THE TYPE I WANT, THE TYPE I ATTRACT, AND THE TYPE THAT I DATE/MARRY.

Here, my clients tend to have the same answer. It’s canonical at this point. “I attract weak, problematic, losers. That’s the type of men I enter relationships with.”

From time to time, there are women who mention they attract alpha men. These men, however, come for sex. They then return to their wives, who are often not as right and beautiful but are wonderful wives and mothers. Normal men are plain and boring.

I move onto the third question: “What is your relationship with your parents like? What are your parents like?”

That’s where the dramas start! Relationship issues are always a reflection of dysfunctional relationships with the patient’s parents. Always!

“Dad is weak and depressed,” they say. “He is also an alcoholic.” Now, this is the reason why such women pity weak men. “Mom is cold and uninterested,” they continue. As a result of this, these women are incapable of showing love and expressing their feelings. Upon hearing this, I know we’ve got a lot of work to do. We have to unleash the anger, eliminate the hurt, end the pity, and distance the patient from her parents. Then, we’ve got to have her ask for forgiveness and enter a state of gratitude, love, and acceptance. This is a long process.

Here comes the fourth question: “Are you ready to give your parents that which they failed to offer you?”

This is difficult, I know. Many feel resistant to doing it. However, this must be done, as no women can transform her life without it.

Finally, here comes the fifth question: Imagine a miracle was to occur. Your life changes drastically as a result. How would you know that your life is different? Tell me about that… this question helps me search for my patient’s hidden resources.

Oftentimes, my patients transform their lives after attending my courses “Geisha 1” and “Geisha 2.” Potent and powerful, these courses allow them to overcome childhood traumas. Personal sessions with me also change lives. Still, I have to admit that therapy is a long and difficult process that takes lots of time and effort. I myself go to therapy, and I have no clue who I would have been today had it not been for my coaches and therapists.

Yet, giving you my knowledge fills me with happiness. I work with family therapy, familial patters, familial constellations, and energetic practices. In case you ever need my skills and help, I will happily be there for you. Join me by registering for my different seminars or attending my free events and webinars. Find what’s best for you here!


Natalia Kobylkina
Psychologist, family therapist, author
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