7  5 min
Crafted by Natalia Kobylkina, this is a test that evaluates your values to help you become happier.
We’ve had enough talk about what men want! It is time we started to speak about ourselves—about women!
I would therefore like to suggest the following test to help you locate your values. Personally, I refer to this test as the “Map of Joy.”
Each one of us, of course, has different values. However, we do share a fair bit of interests and perceptions. I have no intention of changing your value hierarchy.
Still, I would like to encourage you to look at life from a different angle. I am offering you the chance to make a choice.
Here are the five things that often matter the most to us.
- Work, money, self-realization
- Love & your romantic partner
- Mother, father, relatives, and friends
- You – as an individual
I will ask you to order this in descending order. Draw a pyramid. Put your biggest priority at the top, and your last priority at the bottom. Make sure to order organize them into your ideal hierarchy of value, rather than the actual hierarchy of importance these things occupy at this current moment. Stay honest while doing this exercise. Take your time and remember—there is no such thing as a wrong answer.
Thank you for being earnest!
I want to describe the value hierarchy I use. This hierarchy wasn’t conceived by me, but it has helped thousands of women live better lives.
You – As an Individual
We are born and die alone. We do not possess anything but our bodies—ourselves. We don’t own our children, spouses, or our parents. We cannot make anyone stay with us at all times.
Do you think anyone else—including your partner and your children—can make you happy when you yourself are unhappy? What do children prefer: to have mothers who are full of light and beam with happiness or to have mothers who complain about their responsibilities and don’t feel good in their own skin?
What women do men dream about? All men want to have bright, happy, trusting, warm women by their sides. Men have an inherent tendency to try to make their women happy. If their women are unhappy, men begin to feel responsible for their unhappiness. It is a well-known truth that we cannot love others if we do not love ourselves first.
Do what you desire to do. Stop do not do what you dislike. Why do you push yourself to act as someone you are not? Don’t make compromises when it comes to your personal happiness.
When you start doing things your way, not only you, but also those around you, feel good. You become more pleasant to be around—your company is more desirable than ever before! You radiate with happiness and positive energy.
Let me give you a personal example. I love going to the theatre, but my husband does not. Still, because he loves me, he decided to join me one evening. He kept muttering and complaining throughout the entire show, only to leave as soon as the intermission came. Neither one of us enjoyed the evening. Realizing we cannot enjoy the theatre together, I have not asked him to go with me ever since. Like me, he realizes we don’t always have the same interests. That’s why he doesn’t make me watch Formula 1 with him! We try to only do activities that are pleasurable for both of us.
As women, we were created to colour the Earth with love and joy. Don’t neglect your desires. Accept them and go after your dreams. Everyone will be happier that way!
Work, Money, and Self-Actualization
Women value their jobs and professional development. It is great when they can work a fulfilling job—a job that pleases and pleasures them. Unsatisfying jobs ruin and demotivate women.
Of course, it is not always easy to find your calling—your purpose. Hence, if you’re not currently involved with your dream occupation, try to do what you love. If you do not know what you love, then spend more time on your hobbies! Dance, swim, sing, travel, and wander around nature. Use your free time to do something that brings you joy and charges you with positive energy.
Still, do not forget to find at least one thing you like about your job. Seek meaning in it. Women who love their jobs are often more confident than those who do not. Financial independence is a great thing to have! Once you are financially independent, you can date and marry for love—rather than because you are afraid to be single and need someone to take care of you financially. A common problem many couples encounter is that while the man works, the woman grows bored at home. She, after all, spends her days doing nothing whilst becoming both financially and emotionally dependent on her spouse… which leads to additional stress for both her and her partner.
Love and Romantic Partners
You can only build a fruitful relationship with a partner once you’ve become a mature, individualized woman.
Notice how I placed love before children! What do you think children value more: seeing their parents happy and in love or getting another toy they won’t even play with?
Unfortunately, between 20% and 30% of divorces happen after the birth of a child. Women dedicate themselves to their little miracles, their babies, and men feel ignored and abandoned. I know it is incredibly difficult to be both a good mother and a doting wife…
Still, as a woman, you must know you’re capable of both! Sure, some men aren’t mature enough to be fathers and help you out, but this is a wholly different matter. Just know this: the child will appreciate growing up in a happy, healthy family!
Our children are irreplaceable. They our favourite people! The more love, closeness, and love we give them, the better they do in this world. The first year of their lives is essential. Give your babies affection and care. Do not leave them alone for prolonged periods of time! One of the biggest fears many of us have is the fear of abandonment. This fear usually forms in early childhood. Many women worry that hugging their babies will in some way diminish the children’s ability to become independent later on in life. That is a myth!
These are the people who gifted us our lives. We can never fully pay the debt we owe to our parents. Yet, we can give our children what our parents gave us.
Our parents need love, respect, and, when necessary, care.
Women who place their parents at the top of their value hierarchy often struggle to establish their own families. Give your parents love and respect but put some distance between you. It is best to stop living with your parents at 18—or 21, at the latest. Think about it! Even in the animal world, as soon as young animals become capable of finding food on their own, they leave their parents nests and seek their own way.
Here is the hierarchy of values I suggest:
We can hold different opinions regarding happiness. Of course, some are happy without families and children. Others live for their relatives. Still, we all must learn one simple truth: we, and only we, should come first. You are the most important person to yourself.
You’re about to become a mature and happy woman. Your life is here and now, and you should build it around your goals, dreams, and interests. You choose who you want to be. This is your birthright!
Psychologist, family therapist, author
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