The Nature of the Female Orgasm

62  3 min

The famous Danish psychiatrist and sexologist Preben Hertoft suggested that the ability to get an orgasm did not depend on your sexual technique but on your personal qualities.

No person, neither a man nor a woman, thinks of the female orgasm rationally. We view the female orgasm through an emotional lens. There is a minority of lucky women who proudly brag about the number of orgasms they had the night before. Many women, unfortunately, perceive the orgasm as something unreachable, something impossible to experience. These women avoid the subject of the female orgasm, noting there are more important things in life. Family and children, they say, are a lot more significant than a fulfilling sex life.

According to statistics, 90% of men think their female partner gets an orgasm every time they have intercourse. Meanwhile, only 40-50% of women actually experience a vaginal orgasm during intercourse. The number of women who get a clitoral orgasm is far higher: about 80-90% of women reach orgasm during masturbation.

Why is this the case?

Though it has been studied by tons of scientists, the female orgasm has never been understood. Scientists—and people alike—cannot grasp its nature. What should women do, they wonder, to get an orgasm? What should men do to help their women reach orgasm?

All men, I know, want to hear their women moan, “Honey, stop… I cannot keep… coming anymore!”

Let’s discuss the female orgasm through a historic lens. Centuries ago, women were not allowed to get orgasms—unless they were married, respected by society, and proper in all aspects of life. On top of that, women had to be restrained inside—and outside—the bedroom. They could not freely express their emotions and sexuality. Only lower-class women or prostitutes were allowed to embrace and flaunt their sexuality. As some statistics show, women in the 1920s got orgasms three times less frequently than women in the 1950s.

Today, in 2022, all women must get an orgasm. Men must try to help women orgasm, and women must strive to enjoy sex…

These “must’s” unfortunately lead to a superficial game. Both partners are engaged in sex not for their personal pleasure—but for the pleasure of their other half. Men try to prove they’re good in bed. Women, on the other hand, attempt to prove their sexuality. This leads to tension, only making it more difficult for the woman to get an orgasm!

Worried, the woman fakes it. Insecure, the man asks, “Did you come?” She says she did. He reaches his peak, happy and satisfied he’s still got it. They both pretend to be happy. She doesn’t want to tell him if she’s actually had an orgasm, just as he doesn’t want to know if she really did.

What are the consequences of a woman’s inability to get an orgasm?

• Physiological consequences. The absence of a fulfilling sex life leads women to experience stomach and back pain. This is because blood flows to the muscles of women’s lower back but does not get a release. That’s how blood stasis occurs. Men can experience similar things. They get blue balls: their testicles hurt when men are aroused but cannot get a sexual release. This has detrimental long-term effects on our physical health. Women get myomas, PCOS, bad PMS, and uterine bleeding. These women are also more likely to contract vaginal infections.



• Emotional consequences. Sexual dissatisfaction is the leading cause of neurosis. Of course, sexual dissatisfaction can also lead to other things, including depression, bad moods, migraines, and irritability.
• Social consequences. Women who do not have regular orgasms often struggle to have a relationship. Or, on the rare occasion they do, their relationships are based on manipulation and lies. These women get cheated on. They’re also less productive at work.
• Psychological consequences. Women who don’t get regular orgasms feel insecure and less womanly.

It is for these reasons that the female orgasm is among the most significant pleasures of life. Every woman can experience it—as long as she wants to, of course.

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Love,
Natalia Kobylkina
Psychologist, family therapist, author
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