What I notice in my work is that many people are afraid to love. They are afraid of being hurt, rejected and abandoned.
Where does the love fear come from?
1. From the unhappy childhood
The young child lives mainly through the limbic system. It is responsible for feelings, emotions, and survival. It forms the so-called decisive brain. The young child is a complete egoist and he is not at all interested in what the mother wants, whether she is asleep or wants to play with him. The child only wants to receive and to receive it at 100%. And the child quickly learns what to do to receive the love of the mother and the father.
For example, if a child wants a toy and his mother does not buy it, he starts shouting, his mother buys it, and the child remembers that – if I scream – I get what I want. Therefore, in order to receive, I have to scream harder. But in most cases, the mother says, “Stop yelling! I won’t give it to you. Be obedient” and the child remembers that the less desire he has and the less trouble he makes for her mother – the more she loves him.
And he remembers – I shouldn’t have wishes so they can love me. When we have received the love in our first years, if we have witnessed violence, if we haven’t been hugged enough, the fear of being loved the way we are appears.
2. Negative experience
We often try something once and it doesn’t work out the way we want it to, we feel disappointed and tell ourselves, I will never do it again. For example, I had a client who, after the age of 45, told me: “when I was 16 I told a young man that I loved him and he cut me off, since then I have never told anyone that I love him, I do not want to get hurt again.” And so she has been living without love for 45 years because of an unfortunate event.
3. Our surroundings.
If we are surrounded by negative people who constantly tell us how horrible everything is, there is no way we can believe in ourselves. The surroundings are important!
How to overcome this fear:
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- First of all, tell your parents that you love them. Give yourself the right to show them your feelings. If they are not alive – you can write a letter and say these things there.
- Tell yourself that you love yourself. Get used to saying the words of love to yourself. Notice what you are doing well and praise yourself.
- Tell life you love it. Find the good things in life and just enjoy them. Enjoy the sun, the light, what you can see, hear. Find at least 10 nice things a day and say them out loud.
- Remember the negative memories and just forgive. Write a letter to the person who hurt you. And then write a letter on his behalf to yourself. And you’ll probably see the whole story from a different angle. Do it until you feel that you have forgiven him and are ready to move on.
- Limit the communication with negative people. If you have girlfriends who are unhappy and grumpy – just stop talking to them or ask them to say nice things about men.
- To tune your brain to love and harmony – start watching only positive love and happiness movies. Let your brain see happy pictures.
- Seven minutes of happiness a day! Take 7 minutes every day and imagine what you want and how it happens to you and see it in detail. Notice what feeling and emotion you are experiencing as you do so and take the first step in that direction.
- Tell men: I like you. Learn to show your feelings first, it’s not so scary. We do not admit our feelings to men due to fear of abandonment, but when we do not say them – we are already doomed to loneliness.
Be brave in love! Energy of love attracts miracles in your life!
Love,
Natalia Kobylkina
Psychologist, family therapist, author
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