10 Reasons We Fail to Find Love

10  3 min

1. We do not know what we want.
   Our minds and hearts may be in disagreement. Sometimes, all we need is someone who makes us feel good; in cases like this, however, our mind interferes, whispering things like “You need someone stronger—a real man!” The truth is you don’t want a man like that. Your wrong understanding of your needs and wants prevents you from getting what you need.
2. We feel we do not deserve our desired partner.
   You meet someone great, and they seem to awaken all your childhood insecurities. You think they are too good for you. That’s how you lose them—it is the fear that drives them away, not the fact that you’re unworthy. Don’t idealize your partner that much. Breathe. Chances are—they feel the same way!
3. We have unrealistic expectations.
   Though unrealistic expectations are many and vary from person to person, women often seek rich, successful men while men look for attractive women who would not mind their unfaithfulness. Women have long lists of qualities that they wish their men to possess. Their desires, however, can hardly ever come true. No one is perfect! Become the best versions of yourselves before you start seeking an ideal partner.
4. We are unable to give what men/women expect of us.
   Sometimes, especially following difficult relationships, we only seek to take. We stop giving! Or, we give things that our partner does not need. Figure out what your partner needs and give them what they want.
5. We have not grown into our masculine/feminine energy yet.
   If we have failed to adopt the attitude of mature and individualized men and women, we may struggle to establish a committed relationship. We may only seek sex. If you have not assumed the role of a man or a woman, and if you have failed to start acting like a grown adult, do not be surprised when you become surrounded by unworthy, disappointing partners!
6. We lack a positive model of behavior.
   If we have never seen a positive model of behavior in relationships, we may struggle to establish them; we, after all, do not know how to act. Therefore, you should look beyond your immediate families and examine books, movies, as well as your friend circle.
7. We feel insulted by our parents.
   I often stress the necessity of good familial relationships. If we do not have a respectful and loving attitude towards our parents, we will never be able to enter and maintain a happy relationship.
8. We are immature.
   Many people refuse to take full responsibility for their lives and keep living with their parents long into adulthood. By the age of 21, all children should live separately from their parents. If they stay at home, these people will remain in the role of children, never maturing and struggling with relationships.
9. We fear pain and resist risk.
   Love can hurt—this is a fact. However, this is a risk we should take in order to build happy, fruitful relationships. Despite the pain and the emotional wounds you’ve accumulated over the years, you should keep going forward, saying things like “Yes, I was hurt. Even so, I still choose to love.”
10. We are unwilling to pay the price.
    Before you enter a relationship, you should consider the price you are ready to pay for it. We all pay a price—especially if we want to have a high-value partner by our side. If you are a woman, the price is taking care of your physical appearance and staying healthy. For a man, the price is usually being successful, hardworking, and financially stable.

That said, for you to find your other half, you need to realize what you truly want. Conceive a positive scenario in your mind. Believe it is true! Now, start sculpting it. Respect your parents. Take the risk and recognize the price you’re willing to pay to get what you want.

Love,
Natalia Kobylkina
Psychologist, family therapist, author
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